Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
