i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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