He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
