I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
