Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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