Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
