I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
