Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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