so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
