maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
