yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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