just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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