What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
