Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
