I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
