Just cropdusted the office
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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