the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
