I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
fuck your aforementioned shoe
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
