So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
