thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
