I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
