So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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