Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
