I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
