There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
