He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
