its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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