I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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