i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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