final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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