I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
