I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
