about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
