Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
