Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
