her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
