The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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