I'm jealous of your bromance
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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