got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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