Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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