So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
