And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
