i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize