just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
