Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
What drink are we having for lunch?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
