Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
