why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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