Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
