all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
