her vagine was all disorganized.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
