it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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