He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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