you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
