You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
