i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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