Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
