dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
