I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize