Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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