Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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