Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
