Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
